Space is not equal. Cold, yes. Big, yes. Equal? Never.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

Can you hear me?

Hello.

What was that?

Actually, I just said hello.

Sorry, you're breaking up ...

So Mr Spacejock says. I have my own opinion on the matter.

Damn this box thing! Why doesn't somebody do something about communications to different eras?

In my experience user error is often to blame.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

If you can hear me, Clunk, can you just tell us something about yourself while I get this sorted out?

I could discuss the smoke about myself at the moment, but that's just the remains of Mr Spacejock's breakfast. I left him concise instructions on the process of browning slices of bread, and yet he managed to reverse our course, destroy the power controller and set off radiation alarms in three different sectors of the ship.

Like, where were you manufactured?

Robots are not manufactured, we're brought into being under controlled conditions. I understand humans are brought into being in much the same way, although perhaps with somewhat less control.

Do you eat or do you go for regular grease and oil changes?

I do not require nourishment, and my joints are sealed. Robots haven't used oil for centuries. We no longer speak in a monotone, and we certainly don't menace humans with toilet plungers. Actually, we don't tend to menace humans at all, whether they're plumbers, mechanics or some other subspecies.

Can you hear me now?

I could hear you perfectly well before. However, I'm trained on the operation of this device and I suspect you're still familiarising yourself with it.

Bloody... OK... got you.

You haven't, I assure you.

Sorry about that, Clunk. Tell me, how do you feel about being an offsider to Hal?

I think you've misunderstood the nature of our relationship, if I may call it that. You see, an offsider denotes someone with comic potential, generally a dim-witted human to which major plot points have to be explained in words of two syllables or less. If you've read any of Mr Spacejock's little adventures, you'll know that I'm generally the one doing the explaining. I'm far too loyal to call Mr Spacejock a dim-witted human, so I'll leave you to conclude the same for yourself.

Do you think you'll ever star in your own adventures?

I'm firmly of the belief that I already do. I understand Mr Spacejock's name appears in the book titles, postcards, bookmarks, websites, invitations, reviews, frisbees, fridge magnets and T-shirts for marketing reasons, but we share the limelight in all other respects. I mean, here I am participating in my very own interview. Who could ask for more?

Would you like to?

I'm perfectly happy guiding Mr Spacejock towards the fame and fortune he richly deserves. I also expect a say in the spending of said fortune. Given that Mr Spacejock is to accounting what a very large asteroid was to planet Earth, I think my say will be more of a command.

What do you think of advertising?

It's the oil which smooths the wheels of commerce. Unfortunately the wheels of commerce are drowning in it.

Are you ever subjected to discrimination? What would you call that anyway, racism? sexism? speciesism?

Metallicavoidance was the general term. Legions of poorly-dressed humans gathered to decry the rise of the robot, but anti-heavy-metal never caught on. I mean, you can be out campaigning against robots all day, but when you get home it's still nice to find your belongings intact, your dinner on the table and your slippers and dressing gown laid out with a selection of uplifting reading material. Who else but a robot would do that for you?

Aww, sh ... ! ... Damn!

Did you know that swearing denotes a limited vocabulary? Early robots had a very limited vocabulary, and were therefore completely unsuitable as primary school teachers. Instead, they were used as troopers.

Hello?

Hello.

Sorry, mate, this connection is too unstable.

I do not mate.

Quickly, before we break up entirely, say whatever you want to say.

For health reasons, it's important not to eat stray pieces of spaceship hull. Not only is the material extremely dense, it also says much about the human involved in such an act.

I've g... go ... break... up... anoth... ...ime ...aybe. Ciao ... It wa.. pl... sure

If I may, I'd just like to elaborate on the poor treatment meted out to faithful robots engaged in ...